everything that drowns me makes me want to fly
by Dragon Elexus
Summary: Lapis has finally been freed- from Jasper, from Malachite, and from herself. But despite it all, she's still not happy. At least Steven's there to lend her a hand.


**everything that drowns me makes me want to fly**

She's standing out on the deck of the human house, watching the waves.

They look different from above. They always do. From under the water, they're like a mysterious, rippling veil. From here, they instead seem bright and cheerful, as if they are playing, or dancing. They reflect the sunlight. You cannot really see through them, into the ocean below.

There's a cracking sound. She looks down, surprised. She'd started clenching the wooden beam of the deck's fence without realizing it; it had shattered and splintered under the strength of her intense grip. She takes in a deep steadying breath- feels the air filling her lungs- and relaxes her hold. But she doesn't let go.

She tries to sort through her complicated emotions, trying to separate the ones which are truly hers from the ones which were theirs. She has always loved the water. But now- now-

"Lapis?"

The voice cuts through her thoughts. She doesn't turn towards it. She just says, "Hello Steven."

She hears the soft sound of footsteps of wood, the warm presence of the boy's small body besides her. "Are you okay?" he asks. "I thought I heard something breaking."

"That was me. I broke your deck," she says. "Sorry."

He looks down at her hands and the half-crushed wood they hold, then smiles reassuringly. "Oh, that's okay. Don't worry." He laughs. "Stuff like that happens all the time. Mostly because of monster attacks, but sometimes it's Amethyst, horsing around. We'll fix it."

She nods.

They stand there in silence for some time, watching the waves. Eventually the boy asks, tentatively, "Are you okay?"

It's a long time before she answers; "I don't know."

He bites his lip, not sure how to respond.

Another strained silence passes, before she says, "I feel stupid."

"Don't say that!" Steven looks genuinely shocked.

"But it's true!" she says. "I'm so stupid. I did this all to myself. I was the one who decided to fuse with Jasper. I didn't have to, but I was so angry that I wanted to, so I did.

"I hated every minute of it, but I **wanted** to stay that way. With her. I wanted to help you, but all it did was cause more problems. And you kept trying to help me, and I hated it, but you still-"

She chokes off, unable to put her thoughts into words- or maybe she's unwilling to. She's not sure. Everything is just so jumbled up, and confusing. The boy's just staring at her, with large, wide eyes. His concern almost hurts.

Almost, but not quite.

"Is it wrong?" she wonders, "That a part of me still wishes that I was back there?"

"On Homeworld?" he asks, glancing up at the sky.

"No. Or, well, yes," she replies. "I miss Homeworld, or what it used to be. But I meant...under the water. With Jasper. As Malachite."

He doesn't look angry, like she feared he would, for basically saying that she doesn't appreciate his help, even now. He just seems anxious. And confused. She feels compelled to try and explain it. She owes him that much.

"It was...horrible, being Malachite," she says. "But somehow, it still felt **good**. For the first time, in thousands and thousands of years, I had power. I had some control over my life. And if I was suffering, at least someone I hated was suffering with me. At least I wasn't alone.

"But Jasper's gone. And now..." she says. She clutches her arms around herself.

Her skin doesn't feel like her own anymore. It doesn't fit. It feels too small.

Steven takes another step closer. It's amazing, she thinks, how warm his human skin is. Aside from Rubies, most Gems don't have bodies like that, which just radiate with warmth.

He looks her right in the eyes. "Lapis," he says. "You don't need Malachite to be strong, okay? You're powerful all by yourself. And you don't need to feel alone, either."

And then, he offers her his hand.

She stares at it for a long, long moment, listening to the crashing of waves in the background. Eventually, Lapis Lazuli takes it.

Their dance is clumsy and awkward. There's no real music to match their steps to, and Lapis isn't used to being the taller partner. But they improvise, and make do, and none of those problems really seem to matter. She pulls Steven's hand up into the air, and uses it to spin him around; he giggles, then pulls her forward. They stretch back out, each balanced on one foot, the two of them holding each other up by the others' own weight. A cautious smile plays on her face as she reels the boy back in. She hooks her hands beneath his arms, then hoists him into the air. He stays there, suspended, grinning happily down at her, she smiling back up at him.

Their gems glow.

Blue and pink light swells, then blends together. When it fades, they are standing tall, as one. They stretch out their legs and their four arms, feeling their new body. It's tall, and strong, and steady. They admire their skin, which is a deep blue, with hints of pink shimmering just underneath. They twirl around, just for the joy of the movement.

This is different. Very different from Malachite, which was all rage and fear and chains, but different from Stevonnie too. Lapis isn't Connie, any more than Steven is Jasper.

It's a valid point, but still, that comparison feels wrong, on so many counts. To begin with, they like Connie- and that liking is almost surprising, unexpected. Or rather, the sheer strength of the affection for the human girl is. Their mind fills with memories, and they can see her so very clearly; brown hair blown back in the wind, or her face buried in a book, or the girl gently teasing, tongue sticking out, or her lunging forward, sword in hand...

There's so much love there, and it's beautiful. And a little overwhelming. It makes them feel rather giddy.

There's other love there, too. They take the chance to savour it. Love for the stars, scattered through the sky, stretching to infinity. Love for the warm sweetness of a freshly served doughnut on the tongue. Love for the Homeworld, as it used to be, glimmering and grand and familiar. Love for a beat-up old van, and a crumbling Temple, and the comforting presence of family all around. Love for the sea: a deep endless expanse of blue, filled with fish and whales, water responding to their every command, and love for how it stretches over the horizon, filling the air with the scent of salt and seaweed, and the sound of seagulls.

Love for each other, Beach Summer Fun Buddies, which is love for themselves.

They hug themselves with one set of arms, and raise another set into the air. Laughter bubbles up. Wings of water stretch out from their shoulders. They're long and brilliant blue, but they shimmer when the sunlight catches them just right, like the rainbows in a soap-bubble.

With a mighty beat of their powerful wings, they push off of the deck, and take flight into the sky. Part of them has never flown before, and the sensation feels new and exhilarating.

Malachite, it turns out, was only ever chains. This is freedom.

oOoOoOo

 **Author's Note:** I'm in desperate need of some happy Lapis, but I figure it's going to be several long months before we have the chance of seeing that, so I figured I needed to write some myself.

It's still not completely clear how fusion naming works in-universe, especially when Steven's involved, but I based this Lapis/Steven one off azurite. I like it's name and it's fitting blue colour (that does occasionally form with pink deposits), but what really sold me on it was the fact that in nature, it often forms near malachite. (For bonus points, in gemology, it's associated with clarity and emotional healing).


End file.
